Dirty long jokes stories

Dirty long jokes stories DEFAULT

Dirty Jokes - sexual and adult's jokes Quotes

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”
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“A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”
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“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”
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“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
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“A daughter asked her mother, "Mom, how do you spell 'scrotum'?" Her mom replied, "Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
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“An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”
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“Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!”
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“A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life." So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up." ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from Grandma. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.”
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“teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're”
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“were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second”
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“A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration." ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A”
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“guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?" The other guy says, "I don't knowwhat was her maiden name?”
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“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A”
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“Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, and says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said. Not even five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The drug company will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“man and a woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. On their anniversary night, at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." The man replies, "Madge, hon, that's because they are sitting in your soup. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he shuffles back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, dollars an hour! ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says,”
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“A large family were going to have Thanksgiving dinner together. The two grandmas of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan: They put BB-gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it. The next morning, Little Johnny came down from his room and said, "Grannie, Grannie, there were BB-bun pellets in my pee pee last night." Then Little Sally came down and said, "Grandma, there were BB-gun pellets in my pee last night." Then Big Tom came down yelling, "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth! ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?" And his wife replied, "No, no. I'll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ass." ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“shy but handsome fellow is sitting at a club, sipping a cocktail, and sees a beautiful woman seated alone at the bar. After an hour of screwing up his courage he finally heads over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, hi. Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar turns in unison and stares at them. Naturally, the poor guy is hopelessly”
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“Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons! ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦”
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“An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super pussy!" And the old man says, "I'll have the soup.”
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The best dirty jokes

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well there was this one time that I kinda sorta touched one with the tip of my pinky finger" St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well There was this one time that I held one for a moment" "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
Boy in the bath with his mum. Boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum ?" Mum replies, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," says the boy, "The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it ."
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $ and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about " "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are " Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids"
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of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp

What’s better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that’s filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you.

From naughty gags about sex, to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humour, look no further.

So strap yourself in, and try not to tell these filthy gags at any formal engagements…

(It goes without saying that the following contains some strong language, and very adult humour)

Some fruity lines from rude comedians:

“I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.” – Victoria Wood

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’” – Jimmy Carr

“You never know where to look when eating a banana.” – Peter Kay

“If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’ – Russell Howard

“The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” – Greg Davies

“Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. It’s 46 years old, my penis. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!” – Rhod Gilbert

“I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel. She died.” – Gary Delaney

“I’ve never laughed a woman in to bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.” – Jack Whitehall

“People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.” – Victoria Wood

“I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I prefer it when he’s not. Sex is a lot quicker.” – Sarah Millican

“I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.” – Sara Pascoe

“Mr Circumcision refused his knighthood.” – Rob Carter

[On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” – David Mitchell

“They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t plug? Same here!” – Russell Howard

“I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” – Frankie Boyle

russell howard pullquote main pic

“I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.” – Victoria Wood

“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr

“I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still w***ing.” – Gary Delaney

“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly

“Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay

“You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe

“The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican

“A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!'” – Gary Delaney

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle

“One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.” – Billy Connolly

“What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.” – David Ephgrave

“I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.” – Gary Delaney

“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard

“Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. Just all in my experience.” – David Mitchell

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr

northern jokes pullquote

“Animals don’t watch porn do they? Unless you include my cat.” – Frankie Boyle

“From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican

“Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.” – Victoria Wood

“Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.” – Ken Dodd

“Better sexy and racy, than sexist and racist.” – Stephen Fry

“When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. I look back as an adult and I think, ‘Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.’ It had the exact opposite effect – there is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you’re thinking, ‘Hmm, Mum’d be proud.’” – Sara Pascoe

“I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.” – Gary Delaney

“As a teenager I was confused that there was lots of different words for ‘sex’. I thought each of the words for ‘sex’ meant something distinct. I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head around before I became an adult. But then I realised that most of them referred to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff. And that’s how I came to understand the richness of the English language.” – David Mitchell

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?” – Billy Connolly

“The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” – Frankie Boyle

Some other filthy jokes:

What’s the difference between a tyre and used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year!

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
“If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.”

What’s long and hard and full of seamen?
A submarine.

rude jokes pullquote

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

What do you call someone with a small penis?
Justin!

What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.

How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Want to hear a joke about my penis?
Nevermind. It’s too long.

What do you do if your partner starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “I don’t understand, doc. Why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Bartender: “What’s the matter buddy?”
Man: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.”
Bartender: “What did you do?”
Man: “I told her to get the hell out!”
Bartender: “What about your friend?”
Man: “I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘bad dog!’”

What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker.

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.

rude jokes pullquote

What does a perverted frog say?
Rubbit.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.

What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-Bees.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.

What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.

And some vulgar one-liners:

I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.”

Masturbation always leads to sex. It’s a gateway tug.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

rude jokes pullquote

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

I saw a dildo the other day described as “nine inches long and realistic”. I thought, “Well, which is it?” – Gary Delaney

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself!

An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under.

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park. – Gary Delaney

I was watching a really weird porno the other day, which was just a really fat man crying and w***ing at the same time. Then I realised I hadn’t turned the telly on. – Gary Delaney

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

I’ve currently got a stalker. But you probably can’t tell in these trousers. – Gary Delaney

I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay. I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning. – Gary Delaney

rude jokes pullquote

Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

I took a Viagra the other day. It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Sex on TV can’t hurt… unless you fall off.

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. – Gary Delaney

When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier who’s most likely to have sex with me. Always end up at self-checkout.

The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. Obviously, they don’t know that yet… – Gary Delaney

More jokes:

Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal quotes
30 of the best jokes about Theresa May
25 of Dara Ó Briain’s best jokes and funniest quotes
38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes
The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes
The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs
Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids
35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians
The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes
of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners
of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)
26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes
16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes
34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes
30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes
26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes
41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes
41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes
21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners
45 of the funniest 8 out of 10 Cats jokes
41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners
19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians
30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes
43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes
pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe
50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke
31 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding
of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds
of the best bad jokes
of the best clean jokes and one-liners
50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan
of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny
25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes
49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes
45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes
17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes
27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes
50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners
50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes
25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults
25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners
75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips
30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And some terrific quotes:

30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes
Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82
23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes)
35 of Blackadder’s most cunning quips and insults
29 of the most outlandishly funny Mighty Boosh quotes
20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley
39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes
25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes
25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes
25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes
50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes
Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners
Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners
25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier
25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes
50 of the best lines from Peep Show
20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes

Sours: https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/dirty-jokes-funnybest
An Irish Drinking Joke

68 Adult Dirty Jokes So Racy You'll Want to Cover Your Eyes

There are two types of people in the world: Those who love dirty jokes and those who say they don't but are lying. Don't worry about apologizing for your raunchy sense of humor here. There's no shame in laughing at an R-rated joke or sharing it with your friends. As it happens, some of the most beautifully crafted, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes are adult dirty jokes. So read on for the filthiest, funniest gags we've ever heard. And for more jokes that are only fit for grownups, check out 75 Dark Jokes for Those Who Need a Twisted Laugh.

Funny Dirty Jokes

Man in pink shirt against white background trying not to laugh
  1. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
  2. "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
  3. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
  4. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
  5. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
  6. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
  7. What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
  8. "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
  9. A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
  10. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
  11. If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
  12. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
  13. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
  14. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
  15. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
  16. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
  17. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
  18. What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
  19. How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.
  20. What's the difference between a tire and used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
  21. What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
  22. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!
  23. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!
  24. What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.
  25. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!
  26. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
  27. What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!
  28. What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!
  29. Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!
  30. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
  31. What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.
  32. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
  33. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!
  34. How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.

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Best Dirty Jokes

Woman in green sweater covering eyes with her arm and laughing
  1. My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
  2. What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.
  3. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
  4. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
  5. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
  6. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
  7. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
  8. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
  9. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
  10. What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
  11. Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough.–Pluto
  12. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
  13. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
  14. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
  15. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
  16. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!
  17. What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
  18. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
  19. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
  20. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
  21. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"
  22. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
  23. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.
  24. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!
  25. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
  26. A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
  27. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
  28. What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
  29. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!
  30. Why does it take million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
  31. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
  32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!"
  33. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
  34. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine!
Sours: https://bestlifeonline.com/dirty-jokes/

Jokes dirty stories long

Moral of the Story Jokes


There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.

The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story

The next day Billy tells his story

"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his storyBilly replies, "Yeah don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm ".

The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.

The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm ".

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge just an asshole.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says:

"I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!, says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!, says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says:

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

There was this young filly whose owners decided to have her "fixed." The stallion next door was heartbroken, as he'd always wanted to mate with her. He pined for her constantly.
Moral of the Story?
"A pony spayed is a pony yearned."

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

And the important moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

So one day there is this fly flying over a pond. But while the fly was flying over the pond, there was a fish watching the fly and the fish said "well s#@t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, I could jump out and get the fly because I'm hungry". But while the fish was watching the fly, there was a bear watching the fish watching the fly and the bear was like, " well s#$t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more the fish could get the fly, and I could get the fish because I'm hungry". But while the bear was watching the fish watching the fly, there was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the hunter was like, "well s#$t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish and I could get the bear because I'm hungry". But while the hunter was watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly, there was a squirrel watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the squirrel was like, " well s#$t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear and I could go get his sandwich because I'm hungry". But while the squirrel was watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly, there was a cat watching the squirrel watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the cat was like, "well s#$t, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear, the squirrel could get his sandwich and I could get the squirrel because I'm hungry". Anyway, the fly comes down, right? The fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the squirrel gets the sandwich, and while the cat was trying to get the squirrel, the branch in the tree breaks and the cat comes crashing into the water.

Do you know what the moral of this story is?

When the fly comes down, the pussy gets wet.

submissons by: williampratt, Drewcifur78

Joke Generators:

Sours: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/moralofthestoryjokes.html
An Irish Drinking Joke

Well, remember the kindergarten, you watered, and I asked for a drink. - I do not remember. Well, you have to have such a chicken memory. - I thought.

Now discussing:

There was nowhere to go, I was ready to sink into the ground. I squatted and wrote and they could see me. I was thrown into a fever and sweat. The cyclist rode past us, glancing over me, for some reason with a completely indifferent look, and only when I saw his back I realized that this was not a guy. But a girl in shorts and a boy's cap.



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